That’s not to say you should immediately dump a partner who doesn’t know what your gender means! Not everyone knows what it means to be non-binary, gender nonconforming, demigender, agender, gender fluid, et cetera. And of course, no one knows exactly how you identify until you share it.

Sometimes, it is worth explaining to a loved one. They might be confused or unsure at first. It can get a little messy, for example, if you’re dating a lesbian who has only been with cis women, and you come to realize you identify as genderfluid, as a demiguy, or gender non-conforming. However, if both of you are willing, and if you feel safe and comfortable with that person learning you and your gender, you can lean into that messiness!

You can lean into your truths. You can create a love that best suits you. Throw the gender roles out the window – or pluck seeds from them and plant them where you choose. Just make sure you are the one who’s choosing, that you’re not doing anything that doesn’t fit you. From who is the little spoon to who pays when, to who carries the child and who is the disciplinarian, to who picks the dinner place and who picks what to watch that night – throw the scripts and expectations out the window. Your love is between you and your partner(s), be they your boyfriend, girlfriend, datemate, primary, secondary. Write your own love story.

Remember you are a co-author!

Check in with your partner(s)municate. Set boundaries if need be, and check in to re-evaluate if they still make sense. Is this working for everyone involved?

Don’t be afraid to let go.

This is a standard piece of advice in every dating guide ever (at least I hope so). But it can mean something different for non-binary folx like us. When you exist outside of something as encompassing as the cishet structure, finding a partner who sees you – who understands you, who wants to know you and love you and be with you – can be all the more precious and powerful. True love, trust, and connection are rare, and they can be all the more so for us. But even when you’ve found someone who loves all of you, every non-binary bit of you, that relationship, whatever it looks like, still might not last forever. I know it’s painful.

But as bright and badass and genderfucked as we might be, we still do have some of the same damn issues cishet folks have on top of all the oppression. Your partner(s) may not want kids, while you do. They may want to settle down, when you’re not ready. They may want an open relationship, and you want one with just them. Sex might be important to them, and the kind of sex they want to have is undesirable, less desirable, or not possible for you.

It’s horribly hard for anyone, but it can have another dimension of difficulty for us, as non-binary folx, to realize that a love that makes sense in some ways isn’t going to last. Because love outside the binary often doesn’t just Russisk postordrebruder happen. It’s a triumph in the face of tragedy. It’s a resistance to the dominant standard. Even when it almost looks like cishet love, it can be a hard-won fight, every day, just to walk down the street with your partner and know your love is valid.

But just because it’s valid doesn’t mean it’ll last. And just because it doesn’t last forever doesn’t mean it wasn’t valid!